Put in my place
These past few days, I’ve been going through some family drama. The same old stuff:
Expectations and miscommunication. Since I’d become close with a particular friend, I thought I could talk to him about it.
Let’s temporarily call him
N. Nice and vague.
So, I call N and I’m trying to tell him that I need to talk about a serious topic, but something comes up and he said he’d call me back “right away”. This “right away” was said 4 hours ago. I think his important matter involved cable TV or internet. I’m not quite sure. It’s probably a very legitimately good reason for him to cut me off. But, alas, I’ve been firmly put in my place.
Such is life.
Today’s method of coping is cleaning. Again. I’m turning into the little housewife these days. Maybe next time I’ll take up knitting or baking to make more of a mess. The house is getting too clean. It’s very unlike me.
After the house is spotless and I’ve fully domesticated myself, I’ll look up that hash run thing Nic’s been recommending. I’m sorry, Nic, I’m just that lazy.
Ironically, now I’m more upset about being unimportant and less about family drama! I’m so weird.
In sadder and more important sad news, my very good friend S is going through a horrible breakup. S was the captain of my emergency breakup trauma team, so it’s really hard to see him depressed. It’s especially sad because I’ve met his ex, and she was incredibly nice to everyone. In fact, S was ready to marry her. I really want to help S through this time, but I really don’t know how to help a guy through a breakup. Girls I can relate to. Guys are more silent in their grief. He is exactly the same… but off. I wish I could do something.
Now I’ve just succeeded in further depressing myself. Time to continue cleaning.
Cleaning
The job search is extremely frustrating for me, as I’m not so good at sitting at home and waiting. It’s the waiting that’s hard. Actually, the part where I have a lot of free time is hard too. Surprisingly.
What happens when I’m supposed to be doing something tedious (like studying or writing cover letters) is that I end up cleaning. Anything to postpone the actual work. Today, I discovered how much of a release it is to cut up pictures of the ex. It’s actually quite fun. I get to play with my evil side and go maniacal without actually hurting anybody.
Cranky
Everybody’s been pissing me off these past few days. Either the universe is against me, or I am just cranky. Somehow, nobody is saying what I want them to say, and everybody is judging my decisions.
I do realize that I could just warn people about stepping on my taboo topics, but they don't remember! I absolutely despise where I am. I'm starting to hate my own life.
Great. I sound like a kid again. I hate being called a kid.
I am just so frustrated that nothing is going the way I want it to. Nothing! I need to punch somebody.
---
Update (7:50am):
Holy Mood Swings, Batman! That was an angry post! Good thing I fumed/cried myself to bed right after. I would've broken some furnature!
My newest Terry Goodkind book arrived in the mail. I think it's about time I gave it my full attention.
Thinking too much and too little at the same time
I can’t sleep.
I’m lying in bed with a thousand thoughts running through my head. There’s no way I can fall asleep. Hopefully, I can exhaust myself to sleep by blogging everything out. I’ll edit tomorrow. This is going to be a mess.
The limbo must end.
I gave myself 2 months to relax after my non-stop 16-months program. Now it’s gotten to the point where I can feel myself rotting into stupidity. I can’t just sit around and do nothing anymore. I’m starting to be disgusted by myself.
I didn’t really “relax”.
Somehow, I managed to pick up a summer job as a print designer while I was in my limbo. This amazes me. I didn’t feel rested at all.
I’m in my dreaming phase.
Recently, I’ve been re-reading my novels like mad. Wouldn’t it be nice to be involved in a whirl-wind romance with a corporate tycoon? Or be a part of a genius team that could save the world from alien invasion? Or be a femme fatale that works along with a super hot hero with magical powers?
Romance is dead.
After re-reading many romance novels, I’ve come to realize that I’m anti-romance right now. Nothing’s going to be as exciting as fiction. And I’m not going to come across any of these stories’ incredible heroes. They’re fiction for a reason. They don’t exist. I need to stop reading these. I’m starting to give up on romance.
New beginnings are killer.
My sister’s boyfriend just moved to Toronto for his master’s degree. This makes me miss new beginnings. The first week of school or a job are the most exciting. Nobody really knows me, so I can pretend to be super outgoing and somehow step out of my introverted shell for a while. I really like meeting new people and getting to know them. The possibilities for new friendships are so exciting. Which is also why new beginnings are so dangerous; I can’t remember one scenario where I moved to a different city or started at a new school or a new job… and didn’t totally lose interest in whoever I was supposed to be in love with at the time.
I’m so fickle. I hope my sister’s boyfriend isn’t like that.
The Age of Narcissism.
I skimmed an article about this. With the onslaught of technology, people love themselves too much. There are too many self-taken pictures online. We are all loving ourselves to doom. When I read this, my first reaction was, “Good thing I resisted MySpace,” but the truth is, I was just about to get an account this week.
Gosh, I’m so average and predictable. I’m one of those people that get surveyed as a ‘General Public’. Great. I’m a drone.
I'm going to regret this.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to read this and be amazed at how pessimistic and dim I am when I can't sleep.
Sagittarius
“Centaurs are mythic figures, half-horse and half-human, who are always shooting their arrows at some distant target over the horizon and then galloping off in hot pursuit. Sometimes they find the arrow. Sometimes they get completely sidetracked by all the interesting scenery along the way.”I usually don’t believe any of my horoscopes, mostly because it could be true for anyone. But, I love that last part about Sagittarians. I feel like I’m a funny creature.
