Thursday, April 27, 2006

Panic Time

Job fair tomorrow!  Standing out from a crowd of job-seekers?  Horrendous!

It’s PANIC TIME!!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Going forwards... and backwards

Good news.  I started trying to have a life.

I went to take golf lessons last week with my mom’s urging.  I have no idea why she chose golf.  I’m not a golf person.  I’m more of a dance person.  But anyway, I went because she thought that sitting around in front of my computer all day was unhealthy.

It was interesting for a while.  But, how great can hitting a ball be?  There’s no thrill of destruction like bowling offers, no satisfaction like basketball, no anger management like tennis; it’s just endless hitting a ball with a stick.

Mind you, I might feel this way because I suck at it.  And because I was practically paralyzed with muscle pain the day after my first lesson.  Either way, I’ll give it a few more tries before I declare myself a non-golf person.

In other news, one of my guy friends finally snapped and decided to drag me out to start having a social life.  (How’d I become so anti-social anyway?)  He introduced me to about ten new people, so now I can deal with the pressure of first impressions instead of the pressure of rotting away at home.  Actually rotting is pretty pressure-less.  And pain-less.  Until fellow bloggers make me realize that I’m kind of lame.  And I’m losing my train of thought now…

New friends.  I tried pretty hard to be amusing and charming, but, alas, I’m out of shape in that department.  I can’t click with anyone.  Everyone is much more interesting than me.  So that’s bad news.  In the good news section, I have don’t have much self-respect left, so nothing’s stopping me from trying and trying.

Maybe in a few weeks, I’m going to have to declare myself the non-partying type.  These people are way too fun for me.  I’m more of the reading and watching movies type.  They’re more of the drinking and dancing type.

Why didn’t I ever get into the clubbing scene?  Is it too late to start when you’re 23?  Why do I even feel the need to belong to the clubbing scene anyway?

In total sinner news, I’ve become a teenager again.  (Or maybe I never stopped).  I find myself crushing on hot models and having grade school fantasies.  What the heck?!?!?  How old am I?  This is such horrible news.  I need to stop.

As for the wallowing, I find it so amazing that my every moment is NOT devoted to self-pity anymore.  In fact, it doesn’t cross my mind half as much as it used to.  I even stopped counting how many days of no contact I’ve been keeping up.  It somehow doesn’t matter anymore.  This is such a cool feeling.  It feels like I’m growing out of dependency.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

What to do now?

Ok.  My vegetative state is slowly fading away, so now I have to deal with the tons of free time I now have.  The question is:  What do I do with this free time?

I used to talk on the phone with the-nameless-guy or go out with him, or… anything around him.  Now, it’s like my free time just doubled.  I can’t believe I can actually walk around the house and have no commitments to be late for.  This is so weird.

It’s not like I really have nothing to do.  I stupidly enrolled myself in yet another program.  I must have thought that one 3D graphics program wasn’t enough.  I foolishly signed on for another.  And this one?  Sucks.  Big time.

The course is unstructured and the instructor’s no better at most of this stuff than me, so I feel like it’s one huge mistake.  And yet I have until the end of June to wallow in yet another one of my nonsensical life choices.

I’m slowly getting the feeling that I wasn’t made for making smart decisions.

In anti-freeze news, I haven’t been single in a long long time.  (Minus the times where the-nameless-guy broke up with me for a few weeks on and off.)  I’m not sure how to talk to guys.  I’m not sure if I want another relationship.  It’d be cool to try and be that fabulous single gal that’s worshipped on TV, but somehow I get the sense that I’d also muck that up.

So this is the point in my life where I realize that I’m not as great as I thought I was.  And realizing that?  Not so great.

Oh and I’m already doing the job hunt thing on the side of my nearly useless program…  which has taught me that I suck at interviews because I can’t BS to save my life.  Some guys go on and on about how great they are and how they can do everything.  I despise them for being so fake, but maybe they’re the ones who are doing things right.  Maybe I need to fake being good, since I’m clearly not the best.  Or maybe I just need to stick this through and deal with the consequences on doing things based on impulse.

Maybe vegetating was better off.  At least there’d be an explanation to why everyone else seems to be going somewhere but me.


Sunday, April 16, 2006

Vegetation

To become Human Vegetation, you must first declare yourself miserable and hopeless.

Symptoms of Human Vegetation include non-stop eating and an increased fixation to TV.

I watched about 4 movies, 10 hours of Joan of Arcadia (because I like the idea of divine intervention, which I probably need), and another 6+ hours of miscellaneous TV.  In the last 3 days.

And then I met Galactichero, who made me feel kind of silly for wallowing in my sorrows.

So now I’m a Silly Human Vegetable.

Great.

I think today is day 8 of my avoidance program.  I had to put a note to myself on my cellphone to prevent me from calling the boy.  Before you starting thinking that’s pathetic, it is helping.  Hey!  I didn’t call!

And for me, that’s a huge step.

I know.  I’m such a baby.  I still can’t stop replaying the last confrontation in my head.  It’s a broken record, haunting me every single day.

Maybe I need a new hobby.  


Saturday, April 15, 2006

I am ugly

Today I woke up with so much anger, I surprised myself.

My life has become about hate and scorn and hurt.  I have become such an ugly person.

So today, I will talk to my family, sing, read, and try my hardest to distract myself from the anger that’s pent up inside me.

As new age as it sounds, my aura has gone black.

Time to lighten up.

A little scare

My imagination is wild.  When our house alarm went off and security called us while we were out, I started to imagine all sorts of thieves and robbers.

It was quite scary.

My mom and I came home to check things out.  For some reason, she wasn’t scared at all.  She just barged in like nothing was wrong.  I was freaking out inside, but afraid to show it, since she was acting so strong.

There’s nothing much to say about it, except that I was pretty spooked.  If there was really someone robbing us, how would I be able to protect my mom and myself?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Harder than I thought

You’d think, after nearly half a year of on-and-off heartbreak with a guy, I’d be able to hate him or something.  I wish I could.

Gaaarrrr!!!  It’s driving me nuts.

I’ve been a good girl so far.  I’m on day 4.  It’s been way harder than I predicted.  I had thought I was numb by now.  Apparantly not.  Apparantly my mind thinks I should relive all my good memories while I sleep.

The mind… messed up it is.  (Yoda-talk!)

I do realize that my wishy-washy-ness is driving me a little nutty.  Notice my incoherency.

T’is the vortex… (ooooooh)





Ok ok.  Seriously now.

I finally got the breakup book that Jenn recommended a while ago:  “It’s called breakup because it’s broken”.  It’s pretty cool.  It constantly reminds me to rely on my friends, but NOT yammer on until they also break up with me.

This makes me very self-conscious.  As if I wasn’t self-conscious enough, being rejected and all.

But anyway, I was rejected five months ago.  The recent event of re-rejection is just because of my stupidity, so I guess it’s about time I finally shut up about it.

Day 5 tomorrow!

It’s like sticking needles into myself everyday.  Fun!

But if I didn’t do this, someone else would stick needles in me.  So at least after a while I will see that I’m the one harming myself, and… stop.

---

Who needs drugs?  I’m crazy on my own.




Monday, April 10, 2006

Step 1: Realize you have a problem

While my professional life and social life are waiting to happen, I figure that the one limbo I do have control over is the relationship one.

* Maybe all of my blog entries will have “limbo” in them from now on!  How annoying would that be?

I took a while off from obsessing to think and reflect.  I think I am ready now.

Without further ado, I am back on the Withdraw from Boy diet.  

I’ve been making tons of excuses for him and myself.  I gave him so many chances, and got hurt so many times.  I never learned my lesson.  In the end, he just never got me.  And never really tried.

And do I want to be in relationship limbo/hell forever?  Not really.  It sucks in here.  I see no light, I pig out way more than my body can handle, I cry rivers (why is it that Justin Timberlake’s song is replaying all over the radio nowadays anyway?), and I suck the life out of people around me.

So… many self-help books later, I’ve finally realized that I don’t want to be the girl who calls and calls and begs the boy to love her.  I’ve already shamed myself enough.  I think this is what you call rock bottom.

Well then, from here, it’s up we go!

Wish me luck!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

The Vortex of Limbo

My blog looks like a cheesy space movie!  Yay!  I feel very futuristic.

So… the Vortex of Limbo.

That’s where I am.  I’m in that void where everything is up for grabs, yet nothing seems to be happening, and my life is too good for me to have any right to complain about being unlucky.  So, I am just lost.

I need a job.  But I need a portfolio to apply for jobs.  And I just lost confidence in my portfolio… because it’s frankly not as good as it should be.  I could make it better, but I’d first have to admit that I spent a year on mediocre work.  And that SUX!  Big time.

If I do decide to just live with my non-quality of work, I’d feel like a big fat liar in interviews, since you’re supposed to love your work in interviews.

Now everything is in limbo.  My professional life, my love life, and my social life.  Everything has the pause button on.

So feel free to go buy your popcorn now.  This is just the intermission lull.