Fear of Failure
Good news? I’ve rediscovered my fear of failure. The last time I felt embarrassed and ashamed was when I didn’t make it into an animation contest. Everyone, including my supervisor, thought I would. It was a huge awkward “I guess I suck?” moment.
And now. Again.
I keep doing this to myself. I get myself into a perfect little bubble where I don’t have to succeed or fail or feel much in general… and then I get ambitious and try out for another contest. This would be totally fine if I could handle failure well. Sadly, that is not the case. I go into this weird state where I don’t talk and don’t surf and pretty much just play the scene of my failure over and over again. I scrutinize why my work wasn’t good enough, and pretty much just obsess about it.
I know that I’m supposed to keep trying. There’s that whole “
No pain, No gain” thing. But, this wasn’t a typical rejection letter, nor a “we’re not looking for your talent right now”, nor a no-response. This was pretty much “No thanks, you suck.” In public.
I haven’t cried though. For me, that’s a big step. I’ve just been a bit out of it. But, now that I can actually blog about it, I think I’m good. Still quite depressed. But, life’s life.
I just really hate failure.
Losing My Wisdom
Watch me get all cheesy with my post title! I had a wisdom tooth taken out yesterday. Enormous pain. I'm such a wuss with pain. Really low pain threshold.
I don't know why it's called "wisdom teeth". Am I dumber now?
I tried looking up "quicksand" on Wikipedia because I wanted to know how it works, but I couldn't really understand it. Something about sudden viscosity change caused by force. I still don't really get it. Maybe I
am losing my wisdom along with my tooth.
I love Wikipedia. It's so useful. I can learn anything from it. A while ago, I forgot my trigonometry and re-learned it from Wikipedia.
This is also how I waste time online when I should be working. I blog and learn weird info.
Now I'm going to look up wisdom teeth.
Go, me! Watch me learn.
Lapse
It's been a while... but nothing exciting has happened since the last time I blogged. I'm steadily (albeit very slowly) working on my demo reel for my future as a 3D artist, and life's just been full of waiting.
Now I know what it feels like to be a drone. Being a ball of mess was more interesting.
A few days ago, I looked up my website stats and saw that my ex checked out my site. (Not this blog. I'm trying to keep the blog away from people I actually know. I have a site where I put my 3D work.) I hadn't checked my stats in a long time, therefore I actually forgot about him for a long time. So, looking for something to be in emotional turmoil about, I checked up his site. And, it was very anti-climatic. Kind of boring.
Great.
I'm so good at being a drone that even purposely digging up old wounds don't do much anymore.
