PinkBunny and the Vortex of Limbo

It's been a long time

2007-09-30T03:57:00.000-07:00

Or has it? About 7 months. Felt like a long time.

Work is killing me. I think I miss unemployment.

Los Angeles is... scattered. It's a lot of little towns living beside each other, and it's hard to feel at home here, even after half a year.

Blogging feels weird. I feel like an impostor.

I'm baaack!

2007-02-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

Three weeks of intense training and testing...

... and I got the job!

It's off to LA for me soon.

More later.

Stressing out

2007-01-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

I was contacted by a visual effects company in LA about a training program they're running in February. I'm not in yet. But if I get in, it'll be my career DREAM COME TRUE!!!

They're getting back to me some time today or tomorrow. I can't function till then.

I don't really expect to get in, because it's ridiculous to get into THE company right off the bat. But I can still hope.

I don't usually pray. I think this is a good time to start.

ETA:

I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. I'm out of words.

It's not a job... but it's as close to a perfect job as I've ever gotten.

Wow.

I love my life.

What I lost in 2006

2007-01-18T02:48:00.000-08:00

Two days before the New Year, we let our bunny go out to play. He then proceeded to dig a hole out of our back yard... and that was the last we ever saw of him.

I think he's still out there happily feeding off other people's plants.

We used to let him run around indoors with a baby diaper on. My mom and I came up with this idea. I thought it was so cute, even though doing this sparked one of my biggest allergic reactions. (My family owns a dog, cat, and rabbit *past-tense for the rabbit now* even though I'm allergic to all three.)

He was so tiny when we first got him.

Here he looks like he actually has some brain power.

I hope my bunny's still alive and happy, wherever he may be.

p.s. I'm in denial about any possibility of him being hurt.

Cheerios!

2006-12-27T03:33:00.000-08:00

I got a Cheerios ad on my google bar! That is cool.

I'll be MIA for a few days. Family trip.

Catch up with you all in a bit!

Disconnected

2006-12-19T23:06:00.000-08:00

Today's one of those days where I wake up, and I'm not quite right. I'm not sad or depressed or anything bad, really. Just somehow off.

Everyone else is getting off from school or work, but I don't follow that schedule, so that's also throwing me off. I don't get the luxury of having time off. I need to work before I get to break from work.

TO's gone back home for the holidays. He's meeting up with one of my best buddies from university... except I lost that buddy as a result of some highschool-type drama back in 4th year. (Refer to comments section of my previous blog: here.) This makes me nostalgic. If only I was less of an immature kid back then, I wouldn't have put my buddy in a position where he would have the opportunity to choose someone else over me.

Sigh. Not a good day for blogging.

Being a geek

2006-12-07T17:30:00.000-08:00

I am a geek. I love spending time surfing blogs and forums, and learning movie trivia off IMDB. I perk up when online conversations include superheroes. I know which X-Men power I want (Jean Grey), which of the “Heroes” I want to be (Hiro), which superhero is THE true superhero (Superman), and what I would do if I had a time machine (go back and stalk everyone). When I’m not surfing or upgrading my blog or planning which movie I’m going to line up for on opening day, I’m in front of the TV watching cartoons or one of my favorite shows (of which there are many). I like doing daily crossword puzzles and sometimes attempt one of those Sudoku things, even if I end up reverse looking up words with Wikipedia and cross-referencing them with Dictionary.com.

Yes yes, I see how I am unproductive and overall lazy. But, there’s a point here.

My TO… he is not a geek. (Comparatively.)

I get sensitive when he calls me geeky as a joke. (Hey, geeks can be sensitive too!) Maybe I'm just a self-conscious geek. Geekette.

… there was a point to this blog when I first started typing it. I have since lost that point.

(I am having fun with the talking in brackets though.)

Back to highschool

2006-11-30T00:02:00.000-08:00

Inspired by Caro's online profile blog, here's the story of how high school has revisited my life...

About two months ago, I went to my friend's flute recital. She invited my close group of girl friends from high school and a bunch of other high school people I never really associated with in the past. (I was geeky AND an athlete, so I was pretty much an outcast, save for my girl friends.) After the recital, we started to catch up with said "unknown" high school people, and one guy started paying more attention to me. This was NOT GOOD because the girls and I were actually trying to set one of our group up with him. I'm going to call him Clueless, for being dumb enough to try to hit on me when one of my best friends might have liked him (and was also present).

That day came and went, and I tried to be friendly to him, but not anything more than that. I refused all invitations for coffee and ignored him a few times when he got too interested in my life. This was also a bad time for him because it was right before TO was coming to visit me for the first time, and I really couldn't focus on anything else.

A week later, one of the girls mass e-mails everyone and asks, "What's up with PinkBunny and Clueless? I'm hearing gossip!" Being anxious to put a stop to any nonsense, I called up the girl and asked her what she had heard. She avoided my questions for a bit, dropped a few names, and ended up telling me that Clueless declared he likes me. To whom? I have no idea.

Weeks go by without anyone saying anything... then...

The recital girl has a birthday party. The girls all show up and eventually the Clueless topic comes up. Apparently, someone from the group had told him that I found out that he liked me. (Does this get any more high school?) He thought recital girl was the one that told me, so he called her to yell at her for her lousy secret keeping, when in fact it was the mass e-mail girl who told me. And she DIDN'T hear from recital girl. This is a diagram of how I actually found out:

ME <--> Mass e-mail girl <--> Her boyfriend <--> His best friend from high school <--> Clueless

That's 4 degrees!

This amazes me. People never grow up.

As a result of all this,

The set-up between Clueless and one of our girls was ruined
Clueless has been uninvited for all future events (indefinitely), even though I found this whole thing hilarious and would like to see his face when he finds out that everyone knows everything.
Clueless didn't learn a thing. He still tried to ask me out for coffee in a very weird way. (He made up some story about him being my talent agent. Dude needs a life.)
I have finally gone through the "High School Experience". I had thought I missed out.

Anyway, I hope this story was interesting. It proves that online profiles are better in at least one way: Less sloppy.

Some things I can't deal with

2006-11-29T02:46:00.000-08:00

Today my mother told me, out of nowhere, that TO looks better than me. Seeing as that's something I would be proud of, I didn't think much of it. (Although it adds to my insecure personality.) However, she continued to add that my younger sister looks better than me. Then, as if that didn't send me straight to self-esteem-problem-land, she said that my sister's boyfriend is also better looking than me.

I'm never going to have a problem with being Narcissistic from now on for sure.

Even though I don't expect my mother to be perfect, that's some weird parenting skills right there. I'm not sure I like her much right now.

Oh wait! She said I have "the brains". Great! That reeeaaally helps.

Snowing

2006-11-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

The view from my window.
The funny thing about Vancouver is that as soon as it snows, the whole city shuts down. My sister got out of going to UBC today because of snow! I remember hoping for exams to be canceled back in UofT, but no storm stops anything in the East Coast.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a perfect Vancouverite. I'm not leaving the house today. Walking in snow is way too much work for me.

TO is coming again!

2006-11-21T08:55:00.000-08:00

For my early Sagittarius birthday! So excited!

I don't really want to turn 24, but I'm very happy that he's coming to see me.

Blogger Beta confuses the hell out of me

2006-11-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

What's with the new Blogger "widget" scripting language?!?!? I finally learned Javascripting and CSS... and now they introduce the new style. I can't get my Recent Comments to work with the new system! And I can't function without my Recent Comments!

Why???

I used to blog better

2006-11-09T01:58:00.000-08:00

There come a time in every blogger’s blogging life (What? Only me? Aww…) when you realize that you don’t really have much to say anymore, and you look back on your old posts to reminisce and silently boast about how you’ve changed for the better.

Sadly, I used to blog better.

I used to have paragraphs and sentences, and I almost made sense most of the time. Now? Not so much. Now I’m blogging some mythic nonsense one-liner regarding guilt, and about my blogging skills.

Seriously though, for a second here, how are you supposed to deal with guilt? When you know that you seriously screwed up and everything’s your fault? Then you’re just at the mercy of the person you shouldn’t have messed with. And if that person does nothing to punish you? THAT is the hard part. Then you really have to comprehend that you messed up and nobody’s going to make it go away.

I miss being punished for my mistakes.

…

Did you know that the word “blog” comes from “web log”? I didn’t. This is interesting. It’s almost self-explanatory, yet I never got it, nor did I ever question it. Shows how ignorant I can be.

…

I’m turning 24 soon. My mother was married when she was 24. Before anyone panics, I’m not looking for marriage. Not now, anyway. I actually have a weird problem: Instead of me worrying about me getting married, my mom’s been saying off-hand things that insinuate I’m desperate. The thing is… I think something’s up with her. She keeps saying that I want to get married, but I never bring the topic up. I suspect that she’s secretly worried that I’ll never find anyone who can tolerate my wacky personality. Or she used to be worried until TO became a prominent part of my life. Now I have no idea what she’s talking about. Is she worried that I’ll scare TO away? Or is she worried that I’ll elope with TO? She’s a mystery.

…

A side note on the guilt thing… I wish I was Catholic so I could go to confession and have someone forgive me for my sins. (Hopefully I don’t offend anyone with this next sentence. *crossing fingers*) However, going to confession and having your sins forgiven by a third person seems very self-gratifying of the sinner. So I can wrong person A, seriously repent, confess, and be forgiven! Person A doesn’t get anything out of it. That’s kind of unfair. (I actually don’t know the exact procedure of confession, so I could be way off base. In which case, to whomever I offend, I apologize, and please correct me.)

…

It’s become apparent that my current demo reel is getting me nowhere with the job search. Therefore, it is time for me to improve it. It’s almost good enough. This is incredibly frustrating. I don’t even have a good excuse to be depressed, since I’ve done that before and it leads nowhere. So, I really just need to start my new stuff and stop wallowing in guilt and shame and disgrace.

I’m really big on the self-loathing today. How nonproductive of me.

Guilt

2006-11-09T01:01:00.000-08:00

“A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.”

I shouldn’t lie. I’m so ashamed of myself. I need to be punished.

Nope, still a loser

2006-11-03T01:51:00.000-08:00

Rejection happens fast. I am still the Queen of Loser Land. All hail me!

This is the re-beginning of my sulking days.

My First Interview

2006-11-02T04:02:00.000-08:00

GAH!!!!!! *panic!*

Phone interview tomorrow! ... or today, actually...

At least this means I'm ending my reign as the Queen of Loser Land. (It was questionable there for a while...)

GAH! I have to stop with the self-deprecating before the actual interview. Fun while making friends... not so useful for impressing an HR lady.

The New Guy (a.k.a. My New Insecurity)

2006-10-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

So… those 8 days came and went. It all went pretty well. Me and my new guy (he needs a nickname now… I’m calling him TO) got along surprisingly well. That’s huge for me because I’m really good at fighting with people, even BF-to-be types.

Until we get the long-distance thing worked out, he’s just my “BF-to-be”. Yet, somehow, I’m already getting jealous for this guy.

I noticed that when we walked around in a mall, girls would check him out. This (not so surprisingly, perhaps) is new to me. This makes me a protective non-GF, which is something I’m not proud of. TO also has a lot of pretty female friends. He acts totally proper with them, but they do take away from my precious TO time. This makes PinkBunny NOT happy. PinkBunny is greedy like that. And also extremely insecure. I secretly suspect that they're all after him.

PinkBunny also needs to stop talking in 3^rd person. This is not a good sign.

There's a guy

2006-10-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

There’s this guy. There might be something. He’s coming to visit me for 8 days.

I really don’t know what I could possibly do to entertain him for 8 days. I’m not that interesting. And, at the beginning of something, it’s a huge risk to commit to 8 consecutive days without knowing if I’m interesting enough. Or if he’s interesting enough.

We’ve already gone through small disagreements just trying to organize this thing. (Maybe that's a warning?) As the host, I know I’m supposed to know where to bring him and what to eat, etc. But, Vancouver’s actually pretty boring! Other than the nice views, which will lose their impact on day 3, there’s really nothing in Vancouver. Plus, on top of all that, he’s been to Vancouver. So, really, I’m screwed!

On top of trying to figure out if this guy’s good for me and vice versa, I have now stressed myself out so much that I’m starting to get sick. That’s just peachy! So now I’m going to be stressing over being entertaining while battling the flu!

I don’t think I’m supposed to be this stressed out before a relationship. I don’t think I’ve been this nervous about a friend visiting. I'm freaking out.

I just really don’t want to disappoint people. I can’t deal with disapproval.

Now I’m too stressed out to figure out if I like the guy, which should’ve been an easy thing to do.

And if I decide that I like this guy a lot, then what? He doesn’t even live in the same city! I’ve done long-distance and I know that I personally can’t handle it. I end up hating people for not being here.

Wow I haven’t blogged in a long time. So much to vent. I haven’t even gotten to the little boy who won’t stop calling me…

How to be Happy

2006-10-02T03:11:00.000-07:00

Once in a while, a title on the Google sidebar catches my eye. This time, it’s “How to be happy.” Apparently, there’s a video you can watch to learn to become happy. How interesting.

My blog tends to be linked to depression these days. That fact itself is quite depressing. That’s it! I’m going to avoid using the word ‘depression’ for the next month.

… and I just used it 3 more times in this blog. Oooh those ads are never going to leave me alone.

There used to be a time when all they said were ‘relationships’ and ‘breakups’. So maybe this is an improv- oh who am I kidding?

---

I’m going to a dance class tomorrow! It’s called “Hip hop with heels.” It sounds quite interesting. I followed ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ faithfully this summer, so I’m very excited to try to look like I can hip hop in heels. We’ll see.

Put in my place

2006-09-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

These past few days, I’ve been going through some family drama. The same old stuff: Expectations and miscommunication. Since I’d become close with a particular friend, I thought I could talk to him about it. Let’s temporarily call him N. Nice and vague.

So, I call N and I’m trying to tell him that I need to talk about a serious topic, but something comes up and he said he’d call me back “right away”. This “right away” was said 4 hours ago. I think his important matter involved cable TV or internet. I’m not quite sure. It’s probably a very legitimately good reason for him to cut me off. But, alas, I’ve been firmly put in my place.

Such is life.

Today’s method of coping is cleaning. Again. I’m turning into the little housewife these days. Maybe next time I’ll take up knitting or baking to make more of a mess. The house is getting too clean. It’s very unlike me.

After the house is spotless and I’ve fully domesticated myself, I’ll look up that hash run thing Nic’s been recommending. I’m sorry, Nic, I’m just that lazy.

Ironically, now I’m more upset about being unimportant and less about family drama! I’m so weird.

In sadder and more important sad news, my very good friend S is going through a horrible breakup. S was the captain of my emergency breakup trauma team, so it’s really hard to see him depressed. It’s especially sad because I’ve met his ex, and she was incredibly nice to everyone. In fact, S was ready to marry her. I really want to help S through this time, but I really don’t know how to help a guy through a breakup. Girls I can relate to. Guys are more silent in their grief. He is exactly the same… but off. I wish I could do something.

Now I’ve just succeeded in further depressing myself. Time to continue cleaning.

Cleaning

2006-09-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

The job search is extremely frustrating for me, as I’m not so good at sitting at home and waiting. It’s the waiting that’s hard. Actually, the part where I have a lot of free time is hard too. Surprisingly.

What happens when I’m supposed to be doing something tedious (like studying or writing cover letters) is that I end up cleaning. Anything to postpone the actual work. Today, I discovered how much of a release it is to cut up pictures of the ex. It’s actually quite fun. I get to play with my evil side and go maniacal without actually hurting anybody.

Cranky

2006-09-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

Everybody’s been pissing me off these past few days. Either the universe is against me, or I am just cranky. Somehow, nobody is saying what I want them to say, and everybody is judging my decisions.

I do realize that I could just warn people about stepping on my taboo topics, but they don't remember! I absolutely despise where I am. I'm starting to hate my own life.

Great. I sound like a kid again. I hate being called a kid.

I am just so frustrated that nothing is going the way I want it to. Nothing! I need to punch somebody.

---

Update (7:50am):

Holy Mood Swings, Batman! That was an angry post! Good thing I fumed/cried myself to bed right after. I would've broken some furnature!

My newest Terry Goodkind book arrived in the mail. I think it's about time I gave it my full attention.

Thinking too much and too little at the same time

2006-09-11T04:18:00.000-07:00

I can’t sleep.
I’m lying in bed with a thousand thoughts running through my head. There’s no way I can fall asleep. Hopefully, I can exhaust myself to sleep by blogging everything out. I’ll edit tomorrow. This is going to be a mess.

The limbo must end.
I gave myself 2 months to relax after my non-stop 16-months program. Now it’s gotten to the point where I can feel myself rotting into stupidity. I can’t just sit around and do nothing anymore. I’m starting to be disgusted by myself.

I didn’t really “relax”.
Somehow, I managed to pick up a summer job as a print designer while I was in my limbo. This amazes me. I didn’t feel rested at all.

I’m in my dreaming phase.
Recently, I’ve been re-reading my novels like mad. Wouldn’t it be nice to be involved in a whirl-wind romance with a corporate tycoon? Or be a part of a genius team that could save the world from alien invasion? Or be a femme fatale that works along with a super hot hero with magical powers?

Romance is dead.
After re-reading many romance novels, I’ve come to realize that I’m anti-romance right now. Nothing’s going to be as exciting as fiction. And I’m not going to come across any of these stories’ incredible heroes. They’re fiction for a reason. They don’t exist. I need to stop reading these. I’m starting to give up on romance.

New beginnings are killer.
My sister’s boyfriend just moved to Toronto for his master’s degree. This makes me miss new beginnings. The first week of school or a job are the most exciting. Nobody really knows me, so I can pretend to be super outgoing and somehow step out of my introverted shell for a while. I really like meeting new people and getting to know them. The possibilities for new friendships are so exciting. Which is also why new beginnings are so dangerous; I can’t remember one scenario where I moved to a different city or started at a new school or a new job… and didn’t totally lose interest in whoever I was supposed to be in love with at the time.

I’m so fickle. I hope my sister’s boyfriend isn’t like that.

The Age of Narcissism.
I skimmed an article about this. With the onslaught of technology, people love themselves too much. There are too many self-taken pictures online. We are all loving ourselves to doom. When I read this, my first reaction was, “Good thing I resisted MySpace,” but the truth is, I was just about to get an account this week.

Gosh, I’m so average and predictable. I’m one of those people that get surveyed as a ‘General Public’. Great. I’m a drone.

I'm going to regret this.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to read this and be amazed at how pessimistic and dim I am when I can't sleep.

Sagittarius

2006-09-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

“Centaurs are mythic figures, half-horse and half-human, who are always shooting their arrows at some distant target over the horizon and then galloping off in hot pursuit. Sometimes they find the arrow. Sometimes they get completely sidetracked by all the interesting scenery along the way.”

I usually don’t believe any of my horoscopes, mostly because it could be true for anyone. But, I love that last part about Sagittarians. I feel like I’m a funny creature.

Fear of Failure

2006-08-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

Good news? I’ve rediscovered my fear of failure. The last time I felt embarrassed and ashamed was when I didn’t make it into an animation contest. Everyone, including my supervisor, thought I would. It was a huge awkward “I guess I suck?” moment.

And now. Again.

I keep doing this to myself. I get myself into a perfect little bubble where I don’t have to succeed or fail or feel much in general… and then I get ambitious and try out for another contest. This would be totally fine if I could handle failure well. Sadly, that is not the case. I go into this weird state where I don’t talk and don’t surf and pretty much just play the scene of my failure over and over again. I scrutinize why my work wasn’t good enough, and pretty much just obsess about it.

I know that I’m supposed to keep trying. There’s that whole “No pain, No gain” thing. But, this wasn’t a typical rejection letter, nor a “we’re not looking for your talent right now”, nor a no-response. This was pretty much “No thanks, you suck.” In public.

I haven’t cried though. For me, that’s a big step. I’ve just been a bit out of it. But, now that I can actually blog about it, I think I’m good. Still quite depressed. But, life’s life.

I just really hate failure.

Losing My Wisdom

2006-08-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

Watch me get all cheesy with my post title! I had a wisdom tooth taken out yesterday. Enormous pain. I'm such a wuss with pain. Really low pain threshold.

I don't know why it's called "wisdom teeth". Am I dumber now?

I tried looking up "quicksand" on Wikipedia because I wanted to know how it works, but I couldn't really understand it. Something about sudden viscosity change caused by force. I still don't really get it. Maybe I am losing my wisdom along with my tooth.

I love Wikipedia. It's so useful. I can learn anything from it. A while ago, I forgot my trigonometry and re-learned it from Wikipedia.

This is also how I waste time online when I should be working. I blog and learn weird info.

Now I'm going to look up wisdom teeth.

Go, me! Watch me learn.

Lapse

2006-08-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a while... but nothing exciting has happened since the last time I blogged. I'm steadily (albeit very slowly) working on my demo reel for my future as a 3D artist, and life's just been full of waiting.

Now I know what it feels like to be a drone. Being a ball of mess was more interesting.

A few days ago, I looked up my website stats and saw that my ex checked out my site. (Not this blog. I'm trying to keep the blog away from people I actually know. I have a site where I put my 3D work.) I hadn't checked my stats in a long time, therefore I actually forgot about him for a long time. So, looking for something to be in emotional turmoil about, I checked up his site. And, it was very anti-climatic. Kind of boring.

Great.

I'm so good at being a drone that even purposely digging up old wounds don't do much anymore.

Betrayal & Redemption

2006-06-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t yet noticed, I’m a big ball of a mess.  Much like a rolling snowball.  It only goes downhill.

These few days, with my classes ending, my classmates (who are just as disappointed in the course as I am) decided to take action and put pressure on the people who matter.  Today, they asked if I would be willing to sign a formal letter of complaint that basically says, “We will take legal action.”

Now… as much as I hate the time I wasted in the course, it wasn’t useless.  I used my time wisely.  I came up with pretty good results.  I might have a future in this.

And my future might depend on my instructor, who has been recommending me to everyone he knows.

So, I guess this is where greed comes in.  I really care that we were all cheated of a good course.  Some people were blacklisted to the instructor because the instructor (who is a guy) acted like a girl.  However, I don’t want to risk a career to get back the money I spent on the course.  I just want to take what I’ve got, and leave.

Yet, I feel like I betrayed my friends.

Some are close friends, who know me well enough to understand that I like to avoid conflict.  Others, however, are prone to openly insulting anyone who opposes them.  In fact, I had 2 guys tell me that I need to ditch my family, forget the way I was raised to behave, and go live life.

I know some of you out there agree with them.  But it’s my life.  I get to choose to stick to my culture (which is very conservative and strict) and stay with my parents.  I may not fit in the mold of the Independent Woman, but that doesn’t give people the right to openly judge me.  In a blog, I welcome feedback, because I am writing openly about it.  But from people in class, I find it rude.

So instead of only betraying some friends, I feel like I’ve also been betrayed.

… And then there are friends who stick with me no matter what happens.  No matter how many times I screw up.  With them, I just feel like utter failure.

How do I redeem myself…?

At the brink of nothing

2006-06-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

This Friday will be the last day of class for me.  I’ll have my work all done for presentation.  And I’ll have… nothing… to look forward to.

I was told that film companies won’t need 3D effects artists until late fall.  So this gives me 3-4 months to float in my limbo and stress myself out.  With the constant taunting from my parents (“We told you this class was useless!”) and the competition of a classmate who got offered a huge contract already (because he’s a genius), I should have a blast.

It doesn’t help that everything went wrong in this class.  The teacher turned out to be quite clueless.  I became smarter than him by week 3.  The school promised contracts and opportunities (verbally, of course, those cunning pricks) but delivered nothing.

So here I am.  Jobless, loveless, and losing my confidence.

If I could only get my foot in the door, I know I can work my way up.

Now I just need people to get off my back!  I can’t work with half the people expecting overnight success and the other half preparing for my failure.

It also doesn’t help that I’m 23 years old.  In this big mess of culture clashes I live in, I should be independent, but I should live with my family until I get married, but I should support myself, but I should support my parents, but I should be married in the next 2 years, but I personally hate marriage deadlines, and people are setting me up, and people are worried I’ll never find someone, and people I don’t like are in love with me, and I have no idea what love is anymore…. GRRR!!!

And I’m rambling.

---

Okay.  Baby steps.

First I get my stuff done.  Then I worry.

Denial.  What a good way to handle things.

Bull in china shop

2006-06-12T17:23:00.000-07:00

Today’s one of those days where I’m making a joke, but end up insulting my friends; I try to defend friends, but end up betraying them; I’m relaxing while driving, and everyone’s e-braking on me; I park properly, and people hit me with their car doors…

One of those. Something’s trying to tell me to hide in my room and avoid all people. I need protection from myself.

People in passing

2006-06-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine had surgery a while ago, so I’ve been taking him to the hospital for check-ups and physio the last two months.  During these two months, we got to know his therapist quite well.  So, last week when we were told that he was going to be OK forever, and that we didn’t need to go back anymore, it was surprisingly sad.  On one hand, it’s wonderful that my friend’s totally OK.  But on the other hand, it feels icky knowing that there are some people we just will never see again.

Who knows?  Maybe when we get jobs in different cities, I may never see this friend ever again.  Such is the way of life.  But isn’t it all so miraculous and sad at the same time?

In a way, my life really does only revolve around me.  Not in the center-of-the-world egomaniac way, but in the sense that I will only ever truly know my own life.

When I was little, I’d sit in a car in traffic and imagine what the people walking by were like.  Where they live, where they’re going, who they’re meeting, etc.  It was at moments like these that I’d feel so overwhelmingly insignificant and small.  Of the nearly 7 billion people out there, I only know the people around me.   We meet new people everyday, we make new friends, we build memories, but in the end, all we have is very few special people.  So what happens to the rest?  Did I leave a mark in their lives?  Did they leave a mark in mine?  That person I saw crossing the street… how is her life?

I will never know.

And in realizing that I will never know, I am forced to wonder… does it matter?  If it comes down to my life as it pertains to me, that person crossing the street really doesn’t mean anything.  Yet, I still wonder.

And this has become another post that’s way too deep for my capacity.  So I won’t try to philosophize it.  Perhaps when I’m old and wiser, I will understand things better.

In the mean time, I can only appreciate people while they’re in my life, since not many stay for a long time.

How sad.

I’m in a melancholy state.

The Tough Guiltless

2006-05-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I was sitting in McDonald’s for breakfast (it’s deliciously fat) and watched as a bum battled an employee.

Employee:  How may I help you?
Bum:  This is my receipt.  You forgot to give me my hashbrown.
Employee:  Oh.  I’m sorry.  Here you go.

5 minutes later…

Bum:  Here’s my receipt.  You forgot to give me my coffee.
Employee:  But this is not the same receipt as your last one.
Bum:  So?  I have the receipt.

And this went on for some time, until this said employee finally lost it and told the bum to go away and stop scamming them.  This caused the bum to explode and yell about seeing the manager and complain about poor customer service.

It’s amazing what people are capable of when they’ve gotten themselves into a state where they can’t apply common morals.  It’s sad (and annoying at times, especially if it’s me being bothered about sponsoring their “trip back home” if only they could get a bus fare of $10 from me.)  However, this homeless lady was pretty cunning and gutsy!  As far as bums go, she was a tough one.

It makes me wonder… would I die of starvation if I became homeless?  I might be one of those weak ones who sit in the corner with a coffee cup.  How sad.

On another note…

I now know of 5 couples where one person was caught cheating.  And that’s not the scary part for me.  The scary part is that the third person, the home-wrecker, has ceased being the silent person who stays out of the spotlight.  Of the 5 cases I know, 3 of them has had the third person call the wife and tell her to let her husband go.

What is wrong with the world?  Is marriage not serious anymore?  Maybe the 50% of couples who stay together are the couples who haven’t been caught cheating yet?

This is so disturbing.

I might be naïve, but I still hope for the kind of marriage where you grow old together, share everything together, and never love anyone else.  Is that too much to ask?

Bored

2006-05-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

My life has become very anti-climatic. Maybe this is a good thing. I probably can’t handle non-stop drama. But this… is getting a little boring.

I’m tired of going to class everyday to deal with the annoying guy who’s full of himself.

I’m tired of feeling like all I do is go to school, come home, and sleep.

I’m tired of being rejected for jobs, going into depression, and then picking myself up and getting back on track.

I’m tired of being reminded of the ex every so often, suffering from it for a few moments, dwelling for a few moments, and then pushing it out of my mind and moving on to happier thoughts.

All in all… I’m nearly problem-free!

And this means I have nothing to blog about, nothing to complain about, and nothing interesting going on.

Am I addicted to drama?

Over-thinking

2006-05-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

I might be addicted to drama.  Maybe it’s because I’m so used to fighting with people and looking for flaws in them.  I have to stop though.  I’ll never make real friends if I keep thinking they’re fake.

So, in conclusion to my last post, I have realized that I was indeed over-thinking it.  Like Galactichero said, that guy did actually kind of become my best friend, in the sense that he got me out of my house.

Now I feel guilty about it actually.  Here’s a guy genuinely trying to help me, and I’m getting mad that he’s not holding my hand and keeping me safe from strangers.

So there.  To my friend, I’m sorry.

There’s so much growing up to do.  I can’t believe I’m still a girl who would get mad when a friend leaves me to make my own friends.  Shame on me.

Crushing left and right

2006-05-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

As much as I don’t want to come off as a crazy blogger in need of therapy, I realize that some part of me is off. I’m not sane.

Lately, I’ve become really angry at a guy friend who seems to be using me for my car. Most of my class isn’t from Vancouver, so everybody’s been slowly moving away. This guy (let’s name him Shallow for now) suddenly started getting chummy with me after his driving buddy left town. It was an obvious usage of my car, but I let it go since I understand how annoying grocery shopping can get without a car. Then, Shallow proceeded to introduce me to his other friends, since he thought I’d have more to do with them, because I permanently live in Vancouver. So that’s him being nice. But! He then starts inviting me out to events with these new friends and abandoning me when he finds a newer and more interesting person to talk to.

Ok. So I’m a bit jealous. That’s where I’m messed up.

I’m being possessive towards friends like I have a right to be, which I don’t. I can’t tell if I’m just projecting all the anger I have towards the ex onto my innocent guy friends, or if I’m really just being used for my car and rightly angry about it.

Or I have dependency issues. I’m so messed up from trying to refrain from messing up.

A really close guy friend I’ve known for a long time incidentally chatted with me online while I was angry over Shallow. I used to have a crush on this guy friend. Now I can’t tell if I do anymore.

I feel like I’m blindly holding onto anything that I can, because I hate losing people.

It’s so hard to tell who your real friends are when you’re desperately trying to make real friends.

Panic Time

2006-04-27T03:38:00.000-07:00

Job fair tomorrow! Standing out from a crowd of job-seekers? Horrendous!

It’s PANIC TIME!!!

Going forwards... and backwards

2006-04-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

Good news.  I started trying to have a life.

I went to take golf lessons last week with my mom’s urging.  I have no idea why she chose golf.  I’m not a golf person.  I’m more of a dance person.  But anyway, I went because she thought that sitting around in front of my computer all day was unhealthy.

It was interesting for a while.  But, how great can hitting a ball be?  There’s no thrill of destruction like bowling offers, no satisfaction like basketball, no anger management like tennis; it’s just endless hitting a ball with a stick.

Mind you, I might feel this way because I suck at it.  And because I was practically paralyzed with muscle pain the day after my first lesson.  Either way, I’ll give it a few more tries before I declare myself a non-golf person.

In other news, one of my guy friends finally snapped and decided to drag me out to start having a social life.  (How’d I become so anti-social anyway?)  He introduced me to about ten new people, so now I can deal with the pressure of first impressions instead of the pressure of rotting away at home.  Actually rotting is pretty pressure-less.  And pain-less.  Until fellow bloggers make me realize that I’m kind of lame.  And I’m losing my train of thought now…

New friends.  I tried pretty hard to be amusing and charming, but, alas, I’m out of shape in that department.  I can’t click with anyone.  Everyone is much more interesting than me.  So that’s bad news.  In the good news section, I have don’t have much self-respect left, so nothing’s stopping me from trying and trying.

Maybe in a few weeks, I’m going to have to declare myself the non-partying type.  These people are way too fun for me.  I’m more of the reading and watching movies type.  They’re more of the drinking and dancing type.

Why didn’t I ever get into the clubbing scene?  Is it too late to start when you’re 23?  Why do I even feel the need to belong to the clubbing scene anyway?

In total sinner news, I’ve become a teenager again.  (Or maybe I never stopped).  I find myself crushing on hot models and having grade school fantasies.  What the heck?!?!?  How old am I?  This is such horrible news.  I need to stop.

As for the wallowing, I find it so amazing that my every moment is NOT devoted to self-pity anymore.  In fact, it doesn’t cross my mind half as much as it used to.  I even stopped counting how many days of no contact I’ve been keeping up.  It somehow doesn’t matter anymore.  This is such a cool feeling.  It feels like I’m growing out of dependency.

What to do now?

2006-04-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

Ok.  My vegetative state is slowly fading away, so now I have to deal with the tons of free time I now have.  The question is:  What do I do with this free time?

I used to talk on the phone with the-nameless-guy or go out with him, or… anything around him.  Now, it’s like my free time just doubled.  I can’t believe I can actually walk around the house and have no commitments to be late for.  This is so weird.

It’s not like I really have nothing to do.  I stupidly enrolled myself in yet another program.  I must have thought that one 3D graphics program wasn’t enough.  I foolishly signed on for another.  And this one?  Sucks.  Big time.

The course is unstructured and the instructor’s no better at most of this stuff than me, so I feel like it’s one huge mistake.  And yet I have until the end of June to wallow in yet another one of my nonsensical life choices.

I’m slowly getting the feeling that I wasn’t made for making smart decisions.

In anti-freeze news, I haven’t been single in a long long time.  (Minus the times where the-nameless-guy broke up with me for a few weeks on and off.)  I’m not sure how to talk to guys.  I’m not sure if I want another relationship.  It’d be cool to try and be that fabulous single gal that’s worshipped on TV, but somehow I get the sense that I’d also muck that up.

So this is the point in my life where I realize that I’m not as great as I thought I was.  And realizing that?  Not so great.

Oh and I’m already doing the job hunt thing on the side of my nearly useless program…  which has taught me that I suck at interviews because I can’t BS to save my life.  Some guys go on and on about how great they are and how they can do everything.  I despise them for being so fake, but maybe they’re the ones who are doing things right.  Maybe I need to fake being good, since I’m clearly not the best.  Or maybe I just need to stick this through and deal with the consequences on doing things based on impulse.

Maybe vegetating was better off.  At least there’d be an explanation to why everyone else seems to be going somewhere but me.

Vegetation

2006-04-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

To become Human Vegetation, you must first declare yourself miserable and hopeless.

Symptoms of Human Vegetation include non-stop eating and an increased fixation to TV.

I watched about 4 movies, 10 hours of Joan of Arcadia (because I like the idea of divine intervention, which I probably need), and another 6+ hours of miscellaneous TV.  In the last 3 days.

And then I met Galactichero, who made me feel kind of silly for wallowing in my sorrows.

So now I’m a Silly Human Vegetable.

Great.

I think today is day 8 of my avoidance program.  I had to put a note to myself on my cellphone to prevent me from calling the boy.  Before you starting thinking that’s pathetic, it is helping.  Hey!  I didn’t call!

And for me, that’s a huge step.

I know.  I’m such a baby.  I still can’t stop replaying the last confrontation in my head.  It’s a broken record, haunting me every single day.

Maybe I need a new hobby.

I am ugly

2006-04-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up with so much anger, I surprised myself.

My life has become about hate and scorn and hurt. I have become such an ugly person.

So today, I will talk to my family, sing, read, and try my hardest to distract myself from the anger that’s pent up inside me.

As new age as it sounds, my aura has gone black.

Time to lighten up.

A little scare

2006-04-15T02:19:00.000-07:00

My imagination is wild.  When our house alarm went off and security called us while we were out, I started to imagine all sorts of thieves and robbers.

It was quite scary.

My mom and I came home to check things out.  For some reason, she wasn’t scared at all.  She just barged in like nothing was wrong.  I was freaking out inside, but afraid to show it, since she was acting so strong.

There’s nothing much to say about it, except that I was pretty spooked.  If there was really someone robbing us, how would I be able to protect my mom and myself?

Harder than I thought

2006-04-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

You’d think, after nearly half a year of on-and-off heartbreak with a guy, I’d be able to hate him or something.  I wish I could.

Gaaarrrr!!!  It’s driving me nuts.

I’ve been a good girl so far.  I’m on day 4.  It’s been way harder than I predicted.  I had thought I was numb by now.  Apparantly not.  Apparantly my mind thinks I should relive all my good memories while I sleep.

The mind… messed up it is.  (Yoda-talk!)

I do realize that my wishy-washy-ness is driving me a little nutty.  Notice my incoherency.

T’is the vortex… (ooooooh)

…

Ok ok.  Seriously now.

I finally got the breakup book that Jenn recommended a while ago:  “It’s called breakup because it’s broken”.  It’s pretty cool.  It constantly reminds me to rely on my friends, but NOT yammer on until they also break up with me.

This makes me very self-conscious.  As if I wasn’t self-conscious enough, being rejected and all.

But anyway, I was rejected five months ago.  The recent event of re-rejection is just because of my stupidity, so I guess it’s about time I finally shut up about it.

Day 5 tomorrow!

It’s like sticking needles into myself everyday.  Fun!

But if I didn’t do this, someone else would stick needles in me.  So at least after a while I will see that I’m the one harming myself, and… stop.

---

Who needs drugs?  I’m crazy on my own.

Step 1: Realize you have a problem

2006-04-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

While my professional life and social life are waiting to happen, I figure that the one limbo I do have control over is the relationship one.

* Maybe all of my blog entries will have “limbo” in them from now on!  How annoying would that be?

I took a while off from obsessing to think and reflect.  I think I am ready now.

Without further ado, I am back on the Withdraw from Boy diet.

I’ve been making tons of excuses for him and myself.  I gave him so many chances, and got hurt so many times.  I never learned my lesson.  In the end, he just never got me.  And never really tried.

And do I want to be in relationship limbo/hell forever?  Not really.  It sucks in here.  I see no light, I pig out way more than my body can handle, I cry rivers (why is it that Justin Timberlake’s song is replaying all over the radio nowadays anyway?), and I suck the life out of people around me.

So… many self-help books later, I’ve finally realized that I don’t want to be the girl who calls and calls and begs the boy to love her.  I’ve already shamed myself enough.  I think this is what you call rock bottom.

Well then, from here, it’s up we go!

Wish me luck!

The Vortex of Limbo

2006-04-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

My blog looks like a cheesy space movie!  Yay!  I feel very futuristic.

So… the Vortex of Limbo.

That’s where I am.  I’m in that void where everything is up for grabs, yet nothing seems to be happening, and my life is too good for me to have any right to complain about being unlucky.  So, I am just lost.

I need a job.  But I need a portfolio to apply for jobs.  And I just lost confidence in my portfolio… because it’s frankly not as good as it should be.  I could make it better, but I’d first have to admit that I spent a year on mediocre work.  And that SUX!  Big time.

If I do decide to just live with my non-quality of work, I’d feel like a big fat liar in interviews, since you’re supposed to love your work in interviews.

Now everything is in limbo.  My professional life, my love life, and my social life.  Everything has the pause button on.

So feel free to go buy your popcorn now.  This is just the intermission lull.